Is There Enough Grace for Me?
So.. This Burnt Toast Chronicle thing started as a DIY blog years ago. I had this grand thought in my head that I could be some famous DIY blogger.. Ya.. okay.. just one of the many things that pop in my head.. I start.. maybe I finish.. maybe I don't.. Maybe it becomes something.. Maybe it doesn't..
I think that's most people. The problem when you're a Manic Depressive, is sometimes when those things don't work out it can really throw you off track. Sometimes; in my Bipolar brain I get so set on one thing, so set that its gonna work out. I put every ounce of hope and determination I can into it, to an unhealthy point. I don't mean to. It starts out with really good intentions, but sometimes it takes on a life of its own. I say even more than those things not working out, the crash is the hardest part.
To have one week of being so determined and hopeful, happy go lucky, and the next not even be able to get out of bed, to not be able to handle taking a shower. Its embarrassing.
Why am I sharing any of this? Well part of it is therapeutic to talk about it. To think about where I have been and think about how far Ive come. the other part .. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. Its frustrating. I get its embarrassing, and now you are going to wonder if and when you see me if I managed a shower..lol. but it needs to be talked about. Those hard times whether from a lifelong mental illness, or something caused by an event in your life. We need to stop being embarrassed about it and get it out there.. then and only then I think the stigma will be removed.
So.. where was I..(the joy of an ADD/Bipolar Brain)
Yes.. my hopes and dreams.. my failures.. the list is long and many.. However.. recently one thing I realize I need to incorporate in this process that I'm sure will continue to happen many times in the course of my life is Grace..
GRACE.. Recently talking with my Worship Pastor about Grace.. I don't extend it well.. I struggle so hard with it. And that's one I cant Blame on the Bipolar.. That's just a growth thing that comes in time and life lessons.
My Worship Pastor shared a great article with me and one thing that stuck out was the article spoke about how we can easily extend Grace to those closest with us. The ones we share that connection with.
HELOOOO Ive been married almost 10 years and I daily need to extend Grace to my husband for leaving the toilet seat up.. Sorry its gross.. I don't want to touch the seat.. Every day.. I get annoyed.. but I just extend Grace and move on.
There are many other circumstances with those closest to us where we extend Grace.. sometimes almost to a fault. Like the person in the family battling addiction. We keep extending Grace for the harm they are causing the family. I think that's a tricky balance between Grace and enabling.. However you get my point.. Think of someone close to you who constantly hurts you,or makes you feel bad or is something as simple as never on time and someone not close to you who does the same exact things. .. chances are you extend grace very easily to the person closest to you.. even the family addict.. but that person at work? the person we serve with in ministry? We outright judge them and harshly. So.. One thing I'm working on is extending Grace and not judging.. God didn't make me the judge. He did not even make me the jury.. so I need to start letting those things roll off my back.. and ask the Lord to help me extend Grace to all people.. not just ones who I deem worthy.
HOWEVER.. how often to we extend Grace to ourselves?
I realize I don't EVER extend Grace to myself. I'm my own worst critic. How often am I walking around with a Mountain of Guilt on my shoulders? for snapping at the kids? For saying that snide remark to my spouse? Even after I apologize to the husband and kids.. I still walk around with that Guilt and wont give myself the Grace and understanding that, Hey I am human.. I am overwhelmed. I did not stop and let God have that moment.
Why don't I ever just say to myself.. "Ok Shanun.. not your finest moment. God please forgive me for the way I just spoke to my husband. It wasn't respectful to him or you. Please forgive me Lord and help me choose my battles and words" AND BE DONE WITH IT.
Maybe its a Mental Illness thing. WE ARE RUMINATORS. We Ruminate. and not in the Webster Dictionary Mull things over sense,.. I mean the psych definition..
The Google Definition of Rumination-
Rumination is the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states, however its measures have not been unified.[2] In the Response Styles Theory proposed by Nolen-Hoeksema (1998),[3] rumination is defined as the “compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions”. Because the Response Styles Theory has been empirically supported, this model of rumination is the most widely used conceptualization. Other theories, however, have proposed different definitions for rumination. For example, in the Goal Progress Theory, rumination is conceptualized not as a reaction to a mood state, but as a “response to failure to progress satisfactorily towards a goal”.[4]
So.. from that you can see, Im not one to sit and focus on the solution.. ALLLLL I think about is the problem.
Prime example..
Today.. I woke up at 5 like usual.. Had my devo time.. putz around the house. as the kids got up and got moving I noticed agitation and anxiety tapping me on the shoulder. Was odd to me. Nothing was out of the norm.. Kids asking for breakfast. Kids asking to watch their favorite show. me sipping coffee.. NO ONE DID ANYTHING TO ME.. yet I sat,. I could feel the agitation and anxiety building.. and then; there it was.. All I was doing was snapping at the kids. picture your worst mean mommy mode and that's where I was at.. for no reason. I could see it happening. I could hear it happening and I knew I needed to stop it but I couldn't figure out how.
Fast Forward to 9:30 am when I go to get a recipe from my recipe box. which is right next to my med boxes. there is was. 5:00am's dose of meds. sitting there.. waiting to be taken. 4 and a half hours after I was supposed. well that would explain it.. when you don't have the med in your system that helps with agitation and anxiety, your bound to become "Un Glued"
Now.. I took my meds.. and kept plugging along. needed to get ready for church which I now no longer wanted to go to. Man.. like I should be in church.. the way I acted this morning was not an example Id want anyone to see. And so it started. as I plugged along putting my make up on; my brain when into overdrive about every comment, snide snappy remark I had made this morning. About how it will cause lifelong scars to my children. and on and on and on.. to the point of stupidity.
Why could I not just stop..drop to my knees and ask for forgiveness from the Lord and from my Kids and then extend some grace to myself for missing my meds and move on with the day?
I honestly couldn't tell you why. I do know that this week that is something I'm going to be researching..
Maybe you don't have mental illness, but I know Im not the only one out there who doesn't extend grace to herself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I think that's most people. The problem when you're a Manic Depressive, is sometimes when those things don't work out it can really throw you off track. Sometimes; in my Bipolar brain I get so set on one thing, so set that its gonna work out. I put every ounce of hope and determination I can into it, to an unhealthy point. I don't mean to. It starts out with really good intentions, but sometimes it takes on a life of its own. I say even more than those things not working out, the crash is the hardest part.
To have one week of being so determined and hopeful, happy go lucky, and the next not even be able to get out of bed, to not be able to handle taking a shower. Its embarrassing.
Why am I sharing any of this? Well part of it is therapeutic to talk about it. To think about where I have been and think about how far Ive come. the other part .. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. Its frustrating. I get its embarrassing, and now you are going to wonder if and when you see me if I managed a shower..lol. but it needs to be talked about. Those hard times whether from a lifelong mental illness, or something caused by an event in your life. We need to stop being embarrassed about it and get it out there.. then and only then I think the stigma will be removed.
So.. where was I..(the joy of an ADD/Bipolar Brain)
Yes.. my hopes and dreams.. my failures.. the list is long and many.. However.. recently one thing I realize I need to incorporate in this process that I'm sure will continue to happen many times in the course of my life is Grace..
GRACE.. Recently talking with my Worship Pastor about Grace.. I don't extend it well.. I struggle so hard with it. And that's one I cant Blame on the Bipolar.. That's just a growth thing that comes in time and life lessons.
My Worship Pastor shared a great article with me and one thing that stuck out was the article spoke about how we can easily extend Grace to those closest with us. The ones we share that connection with.
HELOOOO Ive been married almost 10 years and I daily need to extend Grace to my husband for leaving the toilet seat up.. Sorry its gross.. I don't want to touch the seat.. Every day.. I get annoyed.. but I just extend Grace and move on.
There are many other circumstances with those closest to us where we extend Grace.. sometimes almost to a fault. Like the person in the family battling addiction. We keep extending Grace for the harm they are causing the family. I think that's a tricky balance between Grace and enabling.. However you get my point.. Think of someone close to you who constantly hurts you,or makes you feel bad or is something as simple as never on time and someone not close to you who does the same exact things. .. chances are you extend grace very easily to the person closest to you.. even the family addict.. but that person at work? the person we serve with in ministry? We outright judge them and harshly. So.. One thing I'm working on is extending Grace and not judging.. God didn't make me the judge. He did not even make me the jury.. so I need to start letting those things roll off my back.. and ask the Lord to help me extend Grace to all people.. not just ones who I deem worthy.
HOWEVER.. how often to we extend Grace to ourselves?
I realize I don't EVER extend Grace to myself. I'm my own worst critic. How often am I walking around with a Mountain of Guilt on my shoulders? for snapping at the kids? For saying that snide remark to my spouse? Even after I apologize to the husband and kids.. I still walk around with that Guilt and wont give myself the Grace and understanding that, Hey I am human.. I am overwhelmed. I did not stop and let God have that moment.
Why don't I ever just say to myself.. "Ok Shanun.. not your finest moment. God please forgive me for the way I just spoke to my husband. It wasn't respectful to him or you. Please forgive me Lord and help me choose my battles and words" AND BE DONE WITH IT.
Maybe its a Mental Illness thing. WE ARE RUMINATORS. We Ruminate. and not in the Webster Dictionary Mull things over sense,.. I mean the psych definition..
The Google Definition of Rumination-
Rumination is the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states, however its measures have not been unified.[2] In the Response Styles Theory proposed by Nolen-Hoeksema (1998),[3] rumination is defined as the “compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions”. Because the Response Styles Theory has been empirically supported, this model of rumination is the most widely used conceptualization. Other theories, however, have proposed different definitions for rumination. For example, in the Goal Progress Theory, rumination is conceptualized not as a reaction to a mood state, but as a “response to failure to progress satisfactorily towards a goal”.[4]
So.. from that you can see, Im not one to sit and focus on the solution.. ALLLLL I think about is the problem.
Prime example..
Today.. I woke up at 5 like usual.. Had my devo time.. putz around the house. as the kids got up and got moving I noticed agitation and anxiety tapping me on the shoulder. Was odd to me. Nothing was out of the norm.. Kids asking for breakfast. Kids asking to watch their favorite show. me sipping coffee.. NO ONE DID ANYTHING TO ME.. yet I sat,. I could feel the agitation and anxiety building.. and then; there it was.. All I was doing was snapping at the kids. picture your worst mean mommy mode and that's where I was at.. for no reason. I could see it happening. I could hear it happening and I knew I needed to stop it but I couldn't figure out how.
Fast Forward to 9:30 am when I go to get a recipe from my recipe box. which is right next to my med boxes. there is was. 5:00am's dose of meds. sitting there.. waiting to be taken. 4 and a half hours after I was supposed. well that would explain it.. when you don't have the med in your system that helps with agitation and anxiety, your bound to become "Un Glued"
Now.. I took my meds.. and kept plugging along. needed to get ready for church which I now no longer wanted to go to. Man.. like I should be in church.. the way I acted this morning was not an example Id want anyone to see. And so it started. as I plugged along putting my make up on; my brain when into overdrive about every comment, snide snappy remark I had made this morning. About how it will cause lifelong scars to my children. and on and on and on.. to the point of stupidity.
Why could I not just stop..drop to my knees and ask for forgiveness from the Lord and from my Kids and then extend some grace to myself for missing my meds and move on with the day?
I honestly couldn't tell you why. I do know that this week that is something I'm going to be researching..
Maybe you don't have mental illness, but I know Im not the only one out there who doesn't extend grace to herself.
2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Now I'm pretty much Bible dyslexic.. It could take me all week to break this verse down. however just reading it a couple of times, I'm reminded ITS HIS GRACE I NEED.. not my own. Maybe in my weaknesses, the unflattering moments I have in life, Maybe those are the ones I need to cling to the most, Maybe that's where Gods Grace will ultimately shine in my life.
I need to remember, Im not perfect.. BUT.. HIS POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS..
I am not supposed to be supermom. I am not supposed to have it all together ALL THE TIME.
But I do know, when Im in those weak spots and moments, thats when I need to drop to my knees and call on HIM. Thats when his light and life will shine.
SO.. lesson for the day.. REMEMBER YOUR MEDS..lol.. well for me anyways.. but also to remember to Let GODS GRACE be extended to you. Dont hang on to the unflattering moments. You cant change them or take them back. But you can give it up to God and move on.. Who knows. Maybe God was using that weak moment for something........
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